It is a little known fact that Metis reads romance novels. Not the expensive, glossy kind that cost twenty dollars a pop, but cheap paperback bodice rippers - the ones with covers displaying muscular, chiselled men with lace at the collar and cuffs.
He can't explain why, exactly. It could be the syrupy purple prose, the passionate (and airheaded) declarations of love...or it could be the synonyms.
Metis is proud of his inbuilt BS to English translator. For example:
Passionate love god = Sex starved man approaching middle age. Will do anything for nookie. Anything.
Alabaster skin = Pale, possibly terminally ill. Needs to experience sunshine while still possibly can. Always lose to healthy, tanned athletic types (invariably blonde).
Majestic member (and other variations, including many-petalled love rod) = Cockcockcockcockcock.
It is endlessly fascinating to him that not a single romance novelist uses the proper terminology, aka: Cock. Breasts. Arse. Instead, what you get is (the aforementioned) 'many-petalled love rod', 'heaving bosoms' (two sacks of heavy fat strapped to a woman's chest) and 'gleaming buttocks'. Or 'shapely rear'. Or something.
He probably reads them because he can't believe that writers this bad actually exist. The lack of character development, the perfect, gleaming bodies, the excessive use (or just the use, really) of the word 'feisty'? There is a small chance that these novels are merely a sloppily written satire on base human preoccupations - sex, death (and the avoidance of) taxes.
(To be honest, a tiny voice at the back of his mind believes that they are absolutely taking the piss.)
He bets that he could write a sappy romance novel, oh, a hundred times better than they can...no...a THOUSAND times. A perfect satire on the modern human situation. When he's done he'll show it to Jay and Charles so they can be awed by the radiance of his brilliance.
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An extract from 'Exit, Pursued by a Bear' by Metis
Lady May's hand fluttered expansively around the area of her bodice, her passion fired by the amazing knowledge of worldly affairs displayed by the debonair Sir Joshua. A more handsome man could not be found in the entirety of London, she was sure.
"Oh, Sir Joshua, you flatter me with your animated discourse on the attracting polarities between opposing social groups in the modern age...truly, you are a marvel!" May's wild dark hair fell in her eyes as she gesticulated wildly, her bosom heaving with suppressed passion above the tight constraints of her corset.
Sir Joshua's eyes flashed with hidden desire, the fires of his passion evident to all who could see.
"Really, Lady May, it burns me to ask, but...was it you that wrote the treatise on the philosophy of the modern man, and how it relates to the viewing of an expert sportsman as a patriarchal figure? For many a moon I have searched to discover the author of such a controversial and...stimulating...work."
May gasped, her heart pounding in her chest. She wiped her alabaster palms on the voluminous skirts of her black lace dress.
"Oh my, how on earth did you..."
Sir Joshua smiled, a slow, seductive smirk that made May throb with desire in places that she had never before explored. A dark flush rose up the curve of her breasts and onto her cheeks, giving her pale skin a rosy glow tempered with desire.
"Lady May, with your stunning wit and intellect, do you really think that I could pass by your beautiful face without acknowledging the great mind that lies beneath it?" He stepped forwards, his tailored breeches clinging to his powerful thighs in a way that made May's throat catch. Sir Joshua grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards him until they were chest to chest; May could feel a burning hardness pressed against her thigh.
"Sir Joshua. my swain, my love, that I could take your majestic member in my hands and cup it to my breast, that I could kiss your lips, those lips that do indeed spout platitudes comparable to those of great Athena, she who inspires us all! Your eyes...oh, that I could kiss your lips!"
Sir Joshua bent his head to take her lips in a kiss, a kiss so deep that it stoked the fires of her soul so hot that it was visible to the gods above them.
If you want more, guys, I have another 100 meg of it on my PC. (Inc. bedroom scene!)
- Metis
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neverwhore: Um, Metis
imworthit: I think that
burnhottopicburn: Isn't it great? I bet I could get a deal on it for at least $3000. Take that, establishment!
imworthit: It's just that
neverwhore: I think what Jay is trying to say is that, well
burnhottopicburn: What?
imworthit: You're gay for Josh! (plzdontkillme)
imworthit has signed out.
neverwhore: What he said.
burnhottopicburn: WHAT.
neverwhore: Have you noticed, Metis, that your two main characters are called 'Joshua' and 'May'; derivations, in fact, of 'Josh' and 'Metis'?
burnhottopicburn: No they aren't
burnhottopicburn: Wait
burnhottopicburn: Waitwaitwait. WHAT?
burnhottopicburn:...
burnhottopicburn:...
burnhottopicburn:...
burnhottopicburn: Oh god.
burnhottopicburn has signed out.
neverwhore: LOL